Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
God, I missed his penis.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
