I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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