Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
this beer tastes like vomit already
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
