Got a toothbrush?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize