I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
