I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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