I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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