You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
