there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
