The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
