Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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