that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
