i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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