His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize