shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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