pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
