We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
