it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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