If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
