i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
