Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
