I bet he comes in French.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
