True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
