apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
