After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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