Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
