Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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