nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
