Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize