My girlfriend figured out who you are.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
