Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
