yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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