I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
