dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
