Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
