you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
