I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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