you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize