i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
