the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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