i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
