i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
