I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
