Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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