He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
