I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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