I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
