Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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