im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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