This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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