to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
my liver is dry heaving
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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