You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
