just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Please don't give away my fajitas
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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