he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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