Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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