What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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