haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
