Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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