The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
