you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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