did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His hands were made for my vagina.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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